As the months came and went, it was hard not to feel sad and hopeless. Especially when another pregnancy announcement or baby shower invite showed up. It was time to try something else.
We met with a fertility specialist who recommended we try intrauterine insemination (IUI).
This procedure gives the sperm a head start by getting them closer to the eggs. Without going into the specifics, basically the doctor inserts a small catheter through the opening of the uterus and deposits the semen. The procedure has about a 20% chance of conception, which doesn't seem like much unless you're chances are even lower without it.
Our first IUI was so exciting. We were hopeful. Optimistic. Excited. I took the medicine exactly as instructed. I injected the shot exactly as I was shown. I had four eggs. Four chances to get pregnant. The two week wait was long. I started convincing myself I was pregnant. I couldn't wait to take a pregnancy test.
NEGATIVE. Stark white, no questions about it, negative.
I was devastated. I knew I wasn't supposed to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to. There's something about taking medicine and working with a doctor that makes you feel so much more hopeful. I did everything right. Why didn't it work? Maybe it will work if we do it again.
The second IUI didn't work. Neither did the third. I had just found out my fourth IUI failed when my husband's ex invited us to breakfast. It wasn't uncommon because they had a son together, and we're all on good terms. We were waiting for our table when she dropped the bomb.
"We're pregnant."
Queue the water works, people! I completely lost it. I was happy for them, but it was so hard to hear someone else say they were pregnant. She told me she had to see her doctor to get a refill on her birth control, but she procrastinated (only a couple weeks) so the doctor made her take a pregnancy test. She also said she hates being pregnant. I would kill to know what being pregnant feels like!
I wanted to go home. I wanted to run to the car and cry my eyes out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be anywhere else but in that moment. I could barely stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks at breakfast. It makes you feel even worse when you are taking away the joy from their announcement because you're feeling sorry for yourself.
No one understands the struggle to conceive, and the heartache that comes with it, unless they've been through it.
After breakfast we went to our friend's house. My husband needed to help hang a tv and do some wiring stuff. We didn't want them to think we were fighting and that's why my eyes were red and watery, so I started to tell the wife, "I'm okay, I just found out someone else was pregnant, and it's just really hard after three years of trying..." Then it happened. I saw it on her face. They were pregnant too! I dropped to my knees and lost it. Three years. THREE LONG YEARS! A vasectomy reversal. Four IUIs. I should already have a baby by now.
Why is everyone else getting pregnant but us?
I couldn't keep myself together after that. I told them I was so sorry to ruin their surprise, and that I was so happy for them. I just had an emptiness and heartache that they couldn't understand.
That was the worst day in my trying-to-conceive journey. I don't remember a time where I cried like that. When my heart ached so bad. That was it. I couldn't go on. I knew I had to accept that being a mom wasn't in the cards for me.