To pee or not to pee? That is the question.
I know, I know, you shouldn't pee on a stick (POAS) before your official test date. That's just not possible for me. Testing every day gives me something to look forward to, otherwise I'll lose my freaking mind! We got home Saturday night, which was 4 days post the 3 day transfer (4dp3dt). I took a shower and passed out. We flew for over 12 hours, plus the time zone change, so it felt like we were up for 24 hours. The next day I woke up eager to get the POAS party started. Yeah, I know I'm lame. Ha!
5dp3dt - Here we go, folks! Actually, before we begin, I am fully aware that any kind of positive test will be the trigger shot. The trigger shot is hcg, which is the chemical detected by the pregnancy tests. Okay, so I POAS. Sure enough, it's positive (pictured above). I want to be excited, but I know better. Now I'm anxious to watch the trigger shot test out over the next couple days, until the test is negative. Then hopefully I'll start getting real positive tests later in the week! The only symptom, if you'd even call it that, is that I am still super bloated. The thought of wearing jeans is horrifying. Thank God for yoga pants. I'm tired too, but I'd say that is jet lag. In comparison to the last IVF, I basically had zero symptoms in the two week wait, so no concerns there.
6dp3dt - POAS midday and there is a line. Trigger still? Hopeful, but pretty sure it's still the trigger shot. My degree in Googling tells me that the trigger shot can stay in your system for 10-14 days. Today I am 11 days post trigger shot, so it most definitely could be the trigger shot still.
7dp3dt - POAS midday and there is a faint line. Trigger still at 12 days past the shot? I want to be happy, but I can't trust it yet.
8dp3dt - POAS in the morning. Faint positive. Is this still the trigger? It's fainter than the previous day. I'm cautiously optimistic, but mostly skeptical that the trigger is still in my system still. POAS at lunch and the line is still barely there.
9dp3dt - POAS in the morning and it was negative. Not even a squinter. Losing hope. I cried. No, I sobbed. I received a faint positive on a home pregnancy test with my first IVF. I am on progesterone and I don't even have symptoms from that. One test wasn't enough, so of course I POAS at lunch too. Negative.
10dp3dt - POAS in the morning. Negative. Lost all hope. Went in for a blood test to officially confirm the negative. Should get those results in a day or so. Sure, there's always hope until you see a period, but it's not likely at this point. So here I sit, broken hearted. I spoke with some of the girls I went through IVF with last time, and they are all pregnant again. I'm happy for them, but so bummed I'm not part of the pregnancy group this time.
See those lines, fading...fading...gone...
As you can see by the picture above, it's not the best idea to test early. I was clearly picking up the trigger shot still. If you Google, most people will say the trigger shot is out of your system at 10 days, but not for me. Even though I was fully aware of this, I still wanted to torture myself, because there's always a glimmer of hope until you see aunt flow.
11dp3dt - Woke up to the email with the BETA results. Big fat zero. Not a spec of hcg in this gal. I cried. I held my son tight. I started a load of laundry and drove to Starbucks to reward myself with a giant, iced, full strength, caramel macchiato because above all other things that are off limits when pregnant, coffee is the only thing I miss. I know, it's hard work being this basic. I have and I will continue to cry on and off today. I will grieve this cycle, but I will forever be grateful for the little chicken we got out of all of this.
The aftermath
Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to conceive, but then I started (aunt flow). What I'm left with:
- A heap of empty vials, needles, syringes, alcohol swabs and medicine containers.
- A swollen belly from the progesterone.
- A heavily bruised abdomen from the daily blood thinner injections.
- Red, puffy eyes from all the crying.
- A shattered heart.
- But also a son. A SON! I already won the lottery, and I am so thankful for that!
- I am going to mourn the loss. I am going to be disappointed. I am going to be angry. It's part of the healing process!
- I have to continue taking prednisone for a few weeks because you can't just quit taking it; you have to taper off that medication. So that will be a fun. A little daily reminder of what could have been, but wasn't.
- Also, a lot of home pregnancy tests. Like, a lot. Next time I won't do that to myself. Maybe.